a narrative of you

"I really like the photo on the bottom right. You look super insecure in that one."

The girl in the camo jeans and edgy haircut always had something to say. Whether it was about her family, her time stationed in Hawaii, or the contrast in a photo. And normally, saying someone looks insecure in a self-portrait would be a little insulting. However, in this case, it was fairly appropriate. 

Okay, let me back up. In case you couldn't tell, this is another photo story. However, unlike my last project, these photos were created using a camera I made myself- a pinhole camera. 

While the trial-and-error aspect of this camera could be tedious, resulting in many wasted sheets of paper, the shape of the camera (built out of an oatmeal canister, duct tape, a soda can, and black spray paint) and the long exposure times allowed for wacky effects, such as distortion and double exposures. So although it was difficult, I loved the rich gradients and the moodiness of the pinhole. 

The assignment was to create a photo narrative: a series of photos that go together and narrate a story, emotion, or anything, really.

And so,  couple of months ago I stood in front of a classroom of people, with about eight pictures of myself push-pinned to the wall. It wasn't something that came to me right away, it was more of an idea that evolved with the project, but it was a narrative of finding self image. 


I honestly don't think that this narrative speaks to this struggle at all. I think I was simply trying to portray it. To evoke the emotion and describe it with something that could touch it more tenderly than words. And I really felt like i could, because that's something I struggle with.

When people say something about me, I either assume it's true, or run away from it. I wanted to show the way it feels to not know who you are. The process of shedding all the layers of dead assumptions of who other people say you are or expect you to be. Finding the ability to look at yourself- with all of your insecurities, flaws, elements, and strengths- and see the person you want to be. Right here and now, not an idea in the future that comes with a degree and a loan payment plan.

I'm not trying to give an oprah speech or tell you that "I did it, so you can too." Because I haven't done that yet, and i'm not sure I know how. I'm simply laying this before you, whether this is something you struggle with or not. This is me, trying to describe an emotion that I've felt closed inside my chest for many years. 

This is something I'm running towards. Something that keeps me steady.